The Complexity of Choice
Note: This post contains sensitive information about women’s reproductive choices.
Planned Parenthood Texas Lobby Day is happening this Thursday the 18th at the Texas Capitol. Four hundred participants from across the state are expected. If I’m completely honest, I had mixed feelings about Planned Parenthood when I was in my 20s. Back then, my uncharitable mind gravitated to stereotypical images of women in their teens and 20s who carelessly neglect to use contraception and seek late-stage abortions because they don’t want to face the consequences of their choices.
Today, I realize I was being narrow-minded and judgmental about the organization and the women who seek treatment from them.
In fairness, Planned Parenthood provides a host of services ranging from preventative care, cancer screenings, birth control, fertility (and infertility) services, and even counseling for women who suffer miscarriages. Ok, so they do more than abortions. Even so, my perception of Planned Parenthood remained tenuous and conflicted.
Fast forward twenty years. I found myself needing Planned Parenthood’s services for the worst possible reason.
When I was forty, I started down a journey of fertility with IVF. Due to my advanced age, I used a 24-year-old egg donor along with my husband’s sperm. Using younger eggs meant a significantly higher probability of a healthy pregnancy and birth. I was elated when I found out I was pregnant. My heart rejoiced when I heard her heartbeat for the first time at five weeks gestation.
But at 20 weeks, all that changed. During my routine 20-week sonogram, the doctor discovered my daughter had a severe case of spina bifida. Spina bifida is a neural tube defect (NTD) where the spinal cord and spine do not form properly. Severe spina bifida, occurring in 1 in 3,000 births, causes debilitating physical and mental disability, including paralysis, bladder/bowel dysfunction, and hydrocephalus (fluid buildup in the brain).
The prognosis for my daughter was dire. She would never be able to walk, talk, or feed herself. IF she made it to term, she would have severe brain damage and be institutionalized for life.
I was devastated.
On top of the trauma of her prognosis, I was faced with an impossible choice. Do I continue with the pregnancy knowing her prospects for the future, or do I spare her a lifetime of suffering by letting her go?
What’s more, I would have to decide within days because anything beyond 22 weeks constituted a late-stage abortion.
“Abortion?” An abortion was the last thing I envisioned. I had spent over $30,000 to conceive. I wanted my daughter more than anything.
After much soul searching and prayer, I made the heartbreaking decision to set her free and terminate the pregnancy. Fourteen years later, it’s still painful to speak those words. It’s a procedure that’s burned into my memory. I carried my daughter’s lifeless body inside me for three days. I carry her in my heart to this day. I share details of the experience in my book Mission: Motherhood, Writing a New Fairy Tale of Love and Family, coming out May 6, 2025.
Did I make the right choice? Perhaps an equal number of people would agree and disagree with the decision I made. I’m certainly afraid of being judged for my choice. The thing about tough, life-altering decisions like these is you never know what you will do until you’re in it.
This experience gave me a new perspective on the issue of abortion. While society tries to make big issues like abortion and gun control binary (either you’re “for” it or “against” it), life is messier than that. My decision wasn’t black and white—it was complex and deeply painful.
My loss was back in 2012. I was grateful to have a doctor in Houston who supported me in my decision to do what I felt was best for my daughter. If I were facing this situation today, I would be legally prohibited from getting the procedure in Texas. On top of the agony I was going through, I would be forced to travel out of state.
Today, I think about women like me who are facing equally excruciating choices. And, frankly, I’m still conflicted. While I view motherhood as a sacred responsibility and fervently believe life should be nurtured and protected, I also recognize we cannot know every woman’s circumstances. Is it right to take all decision-making away from pregnant women because we may not trust or agree with their choices? For people of faith, does God empower us to be judge and jury, or is that His job, and thus, above our pay grade?
I don’t have all the answers. But I believe our society would be better off extending a healthier dose of compassion and grace to women facing these complex, difficult choices. Whether or not you choose to support organizations like Planned Parenthood, I hope there’s room in your heart to support the women they serve. Their situations may not be the result of recklessness or carelessness. It may be an unavoidable tragedy. My choice–as painful as it was–was an act of love and protection for the daughter I cherished beyond measure. I believe other women deserve the same right to choose.
Compassionately,
Cheri