Is it possible to legally kidnap a child? (It almost happened to my son.)
All I wanted for Christmas was a DNA test.
Back in 2019, my estranged husband tried to force his way into my family through the courts. You read that right. He had no biological connection to my son and we had been legally separated for seven years. Yet, he was still able to petition the court for custody of my son. What followed was a 200-day nightmare that nearly broke me.
Here’s exactly what happened. Three years after we were separated, I had my son through the miracle of science and an anonymous sperm donor.
Four years later—because we were technically still married when my son was born—my estranged husband could legally claim to be his father. And this was long after he had filed papers with the court denying any parental rights!
Here is what terrifies me most. This could happen to any mother in America. Here’s how.
Just about every state in our country has a “presumed father” statute which specifies that if a child is born during a marriage then, the husband is the presumed father.
So if you’re married when you give birth—even if you're separated like I was and using a sperm donor like I did—your husband can claim paternal rights in many states.
This presumption can usually be cleared up with a DNA test in cases of affairs or assault where the biological father can be identified. But in my case, because I used an anonymous sperm donor who could not be put on a birth certificate, I unknowingly put my son at risk. I learned too late that many states including Texas, New York, California, Florida, and Ohio have laws where courts can deny a mother's request for DNA testing if they believe maintaining the father figure serves the child's best interest.
The bias toward two-parent families runs so deep in our judicial system that even the court-appointed attorney assigned to protect my son's interests recommended to the court that my estranged husband be ruled the legal father of my son even after admitting they knew he wasn’t the biological father and hadn’t been in a fatherly role with my son. To this day, I still can’t believe it.
Plus, this recommendation came despite overwhelming evidence from my son's nanny, his school principal, and even my obstetrician that supported my version of events. The system is so desperate to put someone in the "daddy box" that they'll override both biology and reality.
I was lucky. I had the resources to fight–and a level-headed judge–so I won. I got my Christmas wish of a DNA test that showed zero chance of paternity and my family got their lives back. But I can help but think about all the women who don't have $250,000 for legal fees or a strong support system.
How many of them have lost their children to a system that values outdated family structures over truth?
I feel so passionate about this that I created the nonprofit, Cheri’s Choice, whose mission is to provide education, counseling, and community support to help single women navigate their path to motherhood and hopefully avoid the mistakes that I made.
Cheri’s Choice will also lead the charge for legislative change to get these archaic laws caught up to the 21st century.
Until then, here’s my advice about how to protect yourself and your child:
Learn your state's "presumed father" laws before pursuing pregnancy while married
Get legal agreements in writing before conception
Consider finalizing your divorce before pursuing assisted reproduction
Document everything about your child's parentage from Day One
Avoid any contact between your estranged spouse and the new child
To join the fight, sign my Change.org petition to help change presumed father laws.